Aint nobody like me

I am not what you want me to be
I am not what you expect me to be
So don’t try to categorise me
Coz I will make you speak in a different key
I am amazing
I can see you agree by gazing
My skills are blazing
I’m sort of known
If your daughter doesn’t
I’m sure her boyfriend knows the way I moan
I can blow your mind with my mouth
And do things you thought were impossible
I do it all perfectly first time
There aint nothing I can’t do
I know I am exactly what you want
But I’m too amazing for you
So I am just going to swan off and
You can tag along, to watch me
Rule the world from the stage
Don’t expect me to give you my heart
It has already been destroyed
So keep back and just admire
I run this show so get back in place
And let me spray this shit like mace
Don’t try to get up in my face
coz I’ll get you evicted from this place
Yes I am a bitch,
beautiful, intelligent, talented cool honey
Don’t waste my time, if you aint got the money
I aint trying to be funny, just a real deal
If this comes across as arrogant
then understand I have reason to be
yes at times I do display modesty
please just don’t fuck with me
coz I will ruin your name
and with all my talents I will put you to shame
So you best remember my name
otherwise I will tattoo it on your brain

One shot

I sit still o the still
A rolled up cigarette in my hand
gazing as dusk settles
I reflect on the idea of one shot
The way we have one shot at life
one shot to achieve our dreams
one shot at a second chance
one shot at leading a true honest life
One filled with pain, struggle and errors
Also one filled with joy, triumph and corrections
tears stream down my face
I think about the hardships I have endured
also how no matter what I do things don’t go my way
I realise this is my one shot at happiness
I haven’t used it correctly
As my cigarette draws to an end
I flick it away
wishing I could do the same with the negativity surrounding me
and the negativity I created for what I thought was right
All the lives I have touched with my kisses to their souls
some blessing and enriching
Some destructive and needless
I blame my pride and arrogance
To proud to be honest about how every night lying next to Matthew
I chanted silently ‘ I love Matt’ a thousand times
just to keep away my nightly mutterings
Too proud to be honest to both of our families
that everything was not as perfect as we made it seem
So I let him punish my body with his fist, feet and harsh words
Believing I am in the wrong
that I deserve this everyday
I let the words ‘I love you’ ‘stop this’ act as a plaster
even to my ears this is hollow
I pray every time we fuck
I will get pregnant
so this stops and we can carry on like before
Before I ruined our relationship on the kitchen table
Some mistakes cannot be repaired
that was one
another was going back
letting the cycle of violence continue
Simply because I naively believed everything would change
That we could have had a second chance at happiness
All the money, time and energy I spent didn’t help
I allowed it to happen
I thought love could sort it all
heal us
if I am as smart as I make out to be
maybe just maybe it would have been better to move on
Deliberately making myself small
giving him power was not the answer
I should practise what I preach
learning from the past
foolish arrogance got in the way
Wanting to be loved in anyway
got me nearly murdered
Today I still wish he had killed me
So I didn’t have to struggle,
so I didn’t have to deliver justice
so I didn’t have to cry alone in my room
a million miles from home
I have no home
so how can I be a million miles from it
with no one to love, trust and feel free to be honest around
I am lost in my own despair
in my own disillusioned warped world
feeling the constant need to be strong, not to cry and be full of life
I realise now everyone can see through me
They can see I am not as strong and brave
just very vulnerable
I hate myself
for being to proud
to be human
I am destructible, scared and lonely
To the point I can be around my friends
still feeling detached, alone and unemotional
I must get out of this before it is too late
before I pour my soul onto the stage
becoming a performing nothingness
alas it is too late
I have done it now
like everything else in life I must pay the price
Forgive me
I must leave
resigning myself to fate
maybe death

I am what you made me

Nature vs. nurture
lets look at my nature that you carelessly nurtured
Never being able to settle, constantly running and hiding
you enhanced it by forcing me to push everyone away
when anyone gets close enough to scratch the surface now
I run and don’t stop
I try to stay still but my moulded instinct takes over
I flee regretting it every time
My creative expression was one you tried to crush
but it was me
So I try to write constantly
there are time I cease writing when I feel like a fraud
whining I have writers block
when I just feel hollow, empty, used, abused and disposed of
my aggression was one you nurtured with the belt, slipper and cruel words
everyday was a battle
Until I was torn off the field
shown the path of gentleness
When I reach the edge of my temper
the lessons you taught me shine through like a blazing flame
Another is I kept quiet and tiptoed around to avoid being the victim
when I burst outside I transform
from meek and mild to bold and eccentric
Both feel fraudulent
at 19 I must resign to the fact that you nurtured my nature
no matter what I do I cant escape my past
It makes me sick that I am nothing but a toy
to you and the world
Its too late to rebuild and start afresh
I am what you made me
Nature vs. nurture
and all that bullshit

Moving On - Poem

I want to leave the past behind
No more JSA, Crisis Loans, violence
The struggle to make ends meet on a daily basis
The feelings of loneliness, inadequacy and fear of what tomorrow may bring
I sit patiently and wait for answers
I need blood confirmation
Will I be able to move on?
Will I be trapped by my past?
If I am trapped, my next question is
do I murder half of myself created in love?
I know I will have to visit my past to reveal my answers
To kill a life to move on with one
to kill a life to achieve my dreams
so young, so full of promise and questions of morality and ethics
Would I bear to see him through the eyes of another?
To love unconditionally without resentment and grief?
Bile settles in my throat in anticipation
He knows it is his
will his paranoia let him se the truth?
I cannot bear to kill a shared dream
But I cannot move foreword and fulfil my own dreams
I want to curl up and forget this lingering question
but it screams to me physically
Not yet 20 and nearly a mother
Can I be strong enough to struggle to feed and look after something so small and defenceless like myself?
The first time in my life I pray for guidance
I need a hand to hold, arms to embrace me and an adult to tell me its going to be ok
Just give me the answer and let me move on
please god

To my followers

Hi,
i have just noticed I now have 16 public followers. Just a little post to these readers. Can you please comment this post with the following - How you stumbled across my blog, what your blog is called and what your favourite blog post is that I have done.

Many Thanks and Big Love
Jazzle
xxx

Home - A poem

Home
A place where you hang your hat?
Where your heart is?

If so I have no home
I am not homeless
Just a nomad

Travling is in my nature from birth
Moving from place to place
no stability really

The itch of exploration
needs scratching,
I must move on
never there for too long

I leave a trace of myself behind
My name
An object
A memory
A tear not yet dried, or realised
a smell

Jazzle
An artical of clothing/set of keys/a hair pin/an empty fag box/a reciept/a letter/a book
sitting smoking/a song/a kiss/a hug/an in depth talk/ a telling off
over a bruise/my sister/my deceased aunt/unfairness of life
Flowery/musky/freshly washed hair/smokey/morning breathe

where she at?
Where she from?
Why did she go?

Around, but don't really know
who knows, she didnt say/ if she did it was a long heartbreaking story full of pain
she said she had to move on/she couldn't stay/she didnt say

I am just a face
nothing special
A nomadic spirit

HOME

My biological familys homes
My adoptive mothers home
My ex fiancees
My boilogical mothers home
School
Roundhouse
Scotland
London
Slough
Nesdean
West Hampstead
Earth

My home is
nowhere

Girl got me on a cloud - EXPLICT

I kiss your soft feminine lips.
Amazed at how natural it feels.
So right but so wrong.
You take me by the hand.
The suggestive glint in your eyes, gets me ready.
Oh those so beautiful green eyes.
We head towards the toilets.
As im lead in the cubical, I slam and lock the door.
I push you down on the seat.
I hitch my dress up to my waist,
Your hands caress the space between my stockings and suspenders.
Soft but firm. Urging me on.
I sit down on your thighs legs akimbo.
Gyrating my hips licking my lips.
I seductively let my dress straps glide down my snow white swan shoulders.
You sigh a moan of desire.
My nipples go rock solid as your breathe teases them.
Before I realise you dance your tongue around them.
I start to moan deeply.
You hoist me up and turn me so you can go wild.
I sit upon the seat, with you kissing my thighs.
My juices are starting to flow for you.
I put my legs around your neck drawing you closer.
You pull my thong aside with your teeth.
I whisper 'O wow' as you start to lap up the elixer.
As you go faster, i get louder.
I look in to those beautiful eyes and am transported.
Into a world where it is just you and I.
A beautiful pink cloud of naughtiness.
I start to scream your name.
The restroom goes quiet, everyone eagar to know who we are.
You finish as I reach my highest orgasm.
I pull you close to my lips so we can share the taste.
The sweetness and sharpness dissolve in my mouth
as our tongues entwine. I start to shiver as you stroke
the small of my uncovered back.
Your touch delicate, sensitive and understanding.
I am converted as I explore your body.
Oh so bad, I want to feel all of you.
Taking my time.
As we leave the lollipop lady winks.
Asking if I had a good time.
I blush and giggle like a school girl with you enveloping me.
The rest of the night rushes past in a hazy golden drunk blur.
As we part I can't help but leave you my heart and my sexuality.
I can not get off this cloud, come visit and show me more.
Lead me around this new world by the hand.
For only you know where to go.
Wow beautiful green eyes!

Poem - Cleanser

I sit with you nestled in my ear,
Your voice reflecting my face,
tears pouring quicker than a melted glacier.
Muttering apologies that with every breathe cleanse my soul,
I will no longer sacrafice my soul for you to be a man,
I will restore my honour and not treat myself with contradictions,double standards and false hope of change.

I will be my own teddy,punching bag and crutch.
Your harsh disrespectful words will not fall on my delicate ears and outraged heart. I will be the bigger person because I am a woman.
At least I can walk free head held high back straight chin out, free of the shackles that bound my heart and clouded my bright mind.

My tongue will be razor sharp again, so will my skin be clear and white fawless, free from your purple anger. I will be hit once and strike back with vicous torture inventiveness. I will not turn the other cheeck, degraded to a naughty child. I will rip your manhood apart with can openers, nut crackers and pizza slicers.

Once bitten twice as cruel and hell knows no fury like mine, i was more than scorned so i will shatter you like china and bring you to the level you are.

I will survive simply because I florish in escaping your sick twisted love.
I WILL SURVIVE and now i show you who i have become as a standing testimant to every woman like me from before, now and to be.

Kaiz La Kazie

OMG there is a very little known MC, who is a genius and deserves more attention than her male counter parts in that genre of music. People like Devlin, P Money, and Titchy, this girl is phenomanal on mic and off as she is a great spoken word artist (for the ignorant it means a poet). If you are wise you would download her mixtapes (god didn't realised they still existed) from . Her style is a clever mishmash of genres but fundamentally grime and soul. If you don't like the beats then you will definately fall in love with the lyrics.

Achievements

I have achieved some great things in the time I have deserted my blog.

I have manage to cook rice perfect first time (to she whom is my 'mother' I did it without the fancy rice cooker). I accomplished this by making Chilli Con Carne from scratch, then Chicken Korma from scratch. Who said cooking was hard eh? Lol

Then I made Omlette with mushrooms, thanks to the lovely Delia Smith who told me how on her website, its easier than some think, its just all about speed.

Then washed 11 windows by hand big ones too. Thanks to 'Mother' who gave me nine years of training on cleaning and housework.

Figured out how to make the washing machine work when it was clogged with hair.

THE BIG ONE FOR LAST - for those who know me and those who don't - I HAVE FINALLY STOPPED BITING MY NAILS AFTER 18 YEARS - YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY (It's kind of hard when you have done it for that long and have an addictive personality - the best product is "Stop n Grow' it is actually willpower in a bottle!!!!)

The product I wish to promote is CILIT BANG, it does wonders all over the house !!!!

Ta for now xxx