Plastic Gangster

Just coz you listen to Wiley and Skepta,
don’t think your hard,
Bopping your head to Devlin
not seeing how deep his lines are
and when your bunning your L head
your telling me to make my love go down
like Plan B.
honey just coz you listen to
the music and dress like a hood rat,
it don’t mean jack shit,
Coz u write like an illiterate dickhead, unable to spell
and chat breeze like some scummy chav
don’t show me you’re a man,
just you’re a pussy hole, trying to act big
Bet you aint ever been stabbed, held a shank
or even felt the heavy weight of a shotty in your hand
You can say your mandem will back you in beef
but you don’t know any proper gangsters
I just have to compare you to the Krays and
the Richardson’s to see you aint nothing but a plastic gangster
a paper pushing wankster. You aint ever been on a stage
hustling to make your name,
you live with your parents, work in MaccyDs’
and left school with no GCSEs
You even hit women and act like
getting head is your god given right
Just coz your mum and sister is a beat don’t mean every
girl is a dirts. So grow some balls and try grab my attention
when you can show me you aint no plastic gangster or a paper wankster.

Aint nobody like me

I am not what you want me to be
I am not what you expect me to be
So don’t try to categorise me
Coz I will make you speak in a different key
I am amazing
I can see you agree by gazing
My skills are blazing
I’m sort of known
If your daughter doesn’t
I’m sure her boyfriend knows the way I moan
I can blow your mind with my mouth
And do things you thought were impossible
I do it all perfectly first time
There aint nothing I can’t do
I know I am exactly what you want
But I’m too amazing for you
So I am just going to swan off and
You can tag along, to watch me
Rule the world from the stage
Don’t expect me to give you my heart
It has already been destroyed
So keep back and just admire
I run this show so get back in place
And let me spray this shit like mace
Don’t try to get up in my face
coz I’ll get you evicted from this place
Yes I am a bitch,
beautiful, intelligent, talented cool honey
Don’t waste my time, if you aint got the money
I aint trying to be funny, just a real deal
If this comes across as arrogant
then understand I have reason to be
yes at times I do display modesty
please just don’t fuck with me
coz I will ruin your name
and with all my talents I will put you to shame
So you best remember my name
otherwise I will tattoo it on your brain

One shot

I sit still o the still
A rolled up cigarette in my hand
gazing as dusk settles
I reflect on the idea of one shot
The way we have one shot at life
one shot to achieve our dreams
one shot at a second chance
one shot at leading a true honest life
One filled with pain, struggle and errors
Also one filled with joy, triumph and corrections
tears stream down my face
I think about the hardships I have endured
also how no matter what I do things don’t go my way
I realise this is my one shot at happiness
I haven’t used it correctly
As my cigarette draws to an end
I flick it away
wishing I could do the same with the negativity surrounding me
and the negativity I created for what I thought was right
All the lives I have touched with my kisses to their souls
some blessing and enriching
Some destructive and needless
I blame my pride and arrogance
To proud to be honest about how every night lying next to Matthew
I chanted silently ‘ I love Matt’ a thousand times
just to keep away my nightly mutterings
Too proud to be honest to both of our families
that everything was not as perfect as we made it seem
So I let him punish my body with his fist, feet and harsh words
Believing I am in the wrong
that I deserve this everyday
I let the words ‘I love you’ ‘stop this’ act as a plaster
even to my ears this is hollow
I pray every time we fuck
I will get pregnant
so this stops and we can carry on like before
Before I ruined our relationship on the kitchen table
Some mistakes cannot be repaired
that was one
another was going back
letting the cycle of violence continue
Simply because I naively believed everything would change
That we could have had a second chance at happiness
All the money, time and energy I spent didn’t help
I allowed it to happen
I thought love could sort it all
heal us
if I am as smart as I make out to be
maybe just maybe it would have been better to move on
Deliberately making myself small
giving him power was not the answer
I should practise what I preach
learning from the past
foolish arrogance got in the way
Wanting to be loved in anyway
got me nearly murdered
Today I still wish he had killed me
So I didn’t have to struggle,
so I didn’t have to deliver justice
so I didn’t have to cry alone in my room
a million miles from home
I have no home
so how can I be a million miles from it
with no one to love, trust and feel free to be honest around
I am lost in my own despair
in my own disillusioned warped world
feeling the constant need to be strong, not to cry and be full of life
I realise now everyone can see through me
They can see I am not as strong and brave
just very vulnerable
I hate myself
for being to proud
to be human
I am destructible, scared and lonely
To the point I can be around my friends
still feeling detached, alone and unemotional
I must get out of this before it is too late
before I pour my soul onto the stage
becoming a performing nothingness
alas it is too late
I have done it now
like everything else in life I must pay the price
Forgive me
I must leave
resigning myself to fate
maybe death

I am what you made me

Nature vs. nurture
lets look at my nature that you carelessly nurtured
Never being able to settle, constantly running and hiding
you enhanced it by forcing me to push everyone away
when anyone gets close enough to scratch the surface now
I run and don’t stop
I try to stay still but my moulded instinct takes over
I flee regretting it every time
My creative expression was one you tried to crush
but it was me
So I try to write constantly
there are time I cease writing when I feel like a fraud
whining I have writers block
when I just feel hollow, empty, used, abused and disposed of
my aggression was one you nurtured with the belt, slipper and cruel words
everyday was a battle
Until I was torn off the field
shown the path of gentleness
When I reach the edge of my temper
the lessons you taught me shine through like a blazing flame
Another is I kept quiet and tiptoed around to avoid being the victim
when I burst outside I transform
from meek and mild to bold and eccentric
Both feel fraudulent
at 19 I must resign to the fact that you nurtured my nature
no matter what I do I cant escape my past
It makes me sick that I am nothing but a toy
to you and the world
Its too late to rebuild and start afresh
I am what you made me
Nature vs. nurture
and all that bullshit

Moving On - Poem

I want to leave the past behind
No more JSA, Crisis Loans, violence
The struggle to make ends meet on a daily basis
The feelings of loneliness, inadequacy and fear of what tomorrow may bring
I sit patiently and wait for answers
I need blood confirmation
Will I be able to move on?
Will I be trapped by my past?
If I am trapped, my next question is
do I murder half of myself created in love?
I know I will have to visit my past to reveal my answers
To kill a life to move on with one
to kill a life to achieve my dreams
so young, so full of promise and questions of morality and ethics
Would I bear to see him through the eyes of another?
To love unconditionally without resentment and grief?
Bile settles in my throat in anticipation
He knows it is his
will his paranoia let him se the truth?
I cannot bear to kill a shared dream
But I cannot move foreword and fulfil my own dreams
I want to curl up and forget this lingering question
but it screams to me physically
Not yet 20 and nearly a mother
Can I be strong enough to struggle to feed and look after something so small and defenceless like myself?
The first time in my life I pray for guidance
I need a hand to hold, arms to embrace me and an adult to tell me its going to be ok
Just give me the answer and let me move on
please god