One shot

I sit still o the still
A rolled up cigarette in my hand
gazing as dusk settles
I reflect on the idea of one shot
The way we have one shot at life
one shot to achieve our dreams
one shot at a second chance
one shot at leading a true honest life
One filled with pain, struggle and errors
Also one filled with joy, triumph and corrections
tears stream down my face
I think about the hardships I have endured
also how no matter what I do things don’t go my way
I realise this is my one shot at happiness
I haven’t used it correctly
As my cigarette draws to an end
I flick it away
wishing I could do the same with the negativity surrounding me
and the negativity I created for what I thought was right
All the lives I have touched with my kisses to their souls
some blessing and enriching
Some destructive and needless
I blame my pride and arrogance
To proud to be honest about how every night lying next to Matthew
I chanted silently ‘ I love Matt’ a thousand times
just to keep away my nightly mutterings
Too proud to be honest to both of our families
that everything was not as perfect as we made it seem
So I let him punish my body with his fist, feet and harsh words
Believing I am in the wrong
that I deserve this everyday
I let the words ‘I love you’ ‘stop this’ act as a plaster
even to my ears this is hollow
I pray every time we fuck
I will get pregnant
so this stops and we can carry on like before
Before I ruined our relationship on the kitchen table
Some mistakes cannot be repaired
that was one
another was going back
letting the cycle of violence continue
Simply because I naively believed everything would change
That we could have had a second chance at happiness
All the money, time and energy I spent didn’t help
I allowed it to happen
I thought love could sort it all
heal us
if I am as smart as I make out to be
maybe just maybe it would have been better to move on
Deliberately making myself small
giving him power was not the answer
I should practise what I preach
learning from the past
foolish arrogance got in the way
Wanting to be loved in anyway
got me nearly murdered
Today I still wish he had killed me
So I didn’t have to struggle,
so I didn’t have to deliver justice
so I didn’t have to cry alone in my room
a million miles from home
I have no home
so how can I be a million miles from it
with no one to love, trust and feel free to be honest around
I am lost in my own despair
in my own disillusioned warped world
feeling the constant need to be strong, not to cry and be full of life
I realise now everyone can see through me
They can see I am not as strong and brave
just very vulnerable
I hate myself
for being to proud
to be human
I am destructible, scared and lonely
To the point I can be around my friends
still feeling detached, alone and unemotional
I must get out of this before it is too late
before I pour my soul onto the stage
becoming a performing nothingness
alas it is too late
I have done it now
like everything else in life I must pay the price
Forgive me
I must leave
resigning myself to fate
maybe death