I want to leave the past behind
No more JSA, Crisis Loans, violence
The struggle to make ends meet on a daily basis
The feelings of loneliness, inadequacy and fear of what tomorrow may bring
I sit patiently and wait for answers
I need blood confirmation
Will I be able to move on?
Will I be trapped by my past?
If I am trapped, my next question is
do I murder half of myself created in love?
I know I will have to visit my past to reveal my answers
To kill a life to move on with one
to kill a life to achieve my dreams
so young, so full of promise and questions of morality and ethics
Would I bear to see him through the eyes of another?
To love unconditionally without resentment and grief?
Bile settles in my throat in anticipation
He knows it is his
will his paranoia let him se the truth?
I cannot bear to kill a shared dream
But I cannot move foreword and fulfil my own dreams
I want to curl up and forget this lingering question
but it screams to me physically
Not yet 20 and nearly a mother
Can I be strong enough to struggle to feed and look after something so small and defenceless like myself?
The first time in my life I pray for guidance
I need a hand to hold, arms to embrace me and an adult to tell me its going to be ok
Just give me the answer and let me move on
please god
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